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I've added and removed people a few at a time every so often from when I first got this journal. That said, recently a few text messages and offline conversations have brought my attention to some rather important posts that I retrospectively feel guilty for missing. (Replies to those shall be forthcoming).

Anyway, this is a two-way apology. One, for missing stuff, and two for the bit pertaining to the title of this post. I'm doing a bit of a flist cull. Any objections, please let me know. I'll most likely happily add you back (after all, you've lasted this long), but the fact I'm missing stuff combined with a currently busy life is my reason for the cull.

This icon seemed the most apt to use.

Last night:
Manchester's bifest last night was excellent. Already there are plans for re-incarnations 3 and 4 in Brighton and London.

nearly_everyone was there - I met loads of old friends, as I hoped I would, and many many new people (hello lord_semjaza). I also got a chance to actually speaking in depth with some of the folk I'd met before but only brielfy spoken with. Most surprising was seeing an old uni friend. Heh. Thinking about it, I remember an amusing anecdote. A group of us from rag were playing drinking games, and I Have Never was in progress. Someone asked a stereotypically girl-orientated question and I had to drink, outing myself. Luckily only one person noticed, and it happened to be E. who came along last night. We've vowed to stay in contact.

Ramblings:
It's such a shame that I'll be leaving Manchester, but I'm mainly doing it for career reasions. About the move - it's not the to-London bit I mind so much. It's more the from-Manchester element. I've spent somewhere in the region of a third of my life here, and the entirety of my adult-years (whatever that means). This city has shaped me, and it feels like I'll be leaving a part of me behind.


I'm spending today, in and amongst packing, downloading music from my early years in Manchester. I'm on a huge nostalgia trip.

Hmm. I've just realised. It's my bro's birthday today. I should call him.

Summary of this story (where you can read previous updates) at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/matthewp/157130.html

I thought the biopsy was today (well, yesterday as I write this), but it wasn't. Instead it was a prebiopsy consultation with the surgeon. They had pictures of the MRI scans which were interesting but scary too - moreso than the PET scans. I've asked for a copy of the MRI scans and hopefully they'll be sent to me. (Unfortunately the geek from before wasn't there so I can't be certain)

Next monday I'll be told when the biopsy itself will be; this will be under a general anaethetic as the area is too difficult to anaesthetise locally. That'll be sent off for analysis so that the know what type of tissue it is and about 2 weeks later I'll have the operation to remove the tumour itself. After that I'll spend about 5 days to 1 week in hospital and then be able to go home. I'll be weak for about 3 weeks and then i'lb e mobile again - whether this means in a wheelchair or on crutches I don't know.

Whilst I knew some of the posibilities, I didn't know all the details nor the likelihoods.
( survival rates. They're not what I expected. )

My mum was with me and also asked a few pertinent questions. Contrary to my previous angst I don't object to her being there. It was difficult at first but this has (as I suspected) helped to bring us closer. And at the end of the day I came out to her and even told her about BiCon and mhw. She's happy for me to stay in Manchester around my friends but natually wants the opportunity to look after me on occasion too. I'll not object to that, but she was in agreement of the tension between us in recent times and living together 24-7 would put a lot of strain on that.

Oh, what I didn't mention is that once again the film crew were with me. Several people have asked about this, and whether I mind. I don't. In some ways I welcome it because Paul (the director) during the interviews afterwards asks some quite personal questions and talking about things helps me to think about them and analyse them rather than just shelving them away and forgetting about them, only for them to explode uncontrollably later on. So the crew were there filming me being briefly examined by the surgeon and the discussion that ensued along with my options. Then we came back to my house and Paul interviewed the two of us just to get a bit more insight.

I'm not quite sure how this is affecting me. I'm still calm and collected; I've not cried or felt resentful of fate or been angry. (This is both on and off camera) Yes, I understand that those are normal reactions and are quite likely in terminally ill patients. (OK, so it's not definitely terminal but IHYKWIM)

I wouldn't say that I feel numb - I'm happy to talk about things whether on a medical, practical, technical or personal level. Perhaps it's talking to people and writing in this journal which helps keeps me sane. That and the extensive research I've been doing at most stages. Gareth (the consultant I saw last time) and Dr Paul (who I saw today - my surgeon) have both commented that I'm the atypical patient in this respect and that I'm asking complex and in-depth questions. I was speaking to Paul the director about this earlier today and asked about how much they'll need to write for the narrator to put in as background information, because a lot of the basic information I already know, but the TV masses might not necessarily, and this would therefore need explaining.
The point I was making above is that I'm a little surpised at myself that I've not yet had a 'strong' reaction. *shrug*

One of the questions that I was asked is what will I do with the rest of my life. (It wasn't phrased so flatly, but it's late and words are failing me - I'll end this post soon enough so I don't spout drivel) Anyway, assuming 2-5 years, I'd like to carry on with my current job for a few months and then move to Germany to teach English there. A couple of years ago I started saving in an ISA so have quite a bit put away. Inheritance tax is a stupid amount and I don't have any dependants anyway so it would be feasible for me to spend supplementing the pittance that (AIUI) ESL teaching pays. Other ambitions are to do a parachute jump and to visit Japan.

All that said, I don't know for certain it will be fatal. If I survive it would perhaps be unwise to have spent all my savings. Or would it? Many people cope without savings (living of wages as they come in) and that said I've been coping whilst adding to those savings. It's something I'll need to think about, certainly.

Lots of practical things to think about too - such as a will and possible housemove (to somewhere more suitable, such as a ground floor flat, low counter tops etc) and how this affects my current employment, assuming I don't leave and do ESL teaching.

In summary, bleaker than I expected but I'm still doing OK.

Random thought of the moment before I think about bed. Should I turn this story into a book?

Today's mood has gone from bad to worse to shit.

This evening was a colleague housewarming party, but I wasn't in the mood for socialising. Instead I decidfed to go via the off license on the way home. Right next to my old hall of residence, which is on the way home, I slipped on the wet pavement. Bottle smashed on the ground and decided to embed itself into my thumb. So I take a detour and find a friend there who's willing to go via A&E with me. That was 2030 or so.

It's 0220. I've just got home.

Some days, one wonders the point of even getting out of bed.


Argh. FFS. I can't type fast enough with one hand and I need to rant.

It's been lovely weather today and I've been quite productive at work and at home (did a load of well overdue laundry, a bit of spring cleaning and helped my housemate get his computer working).

Despite this I'm feeling a bit run down and despondant. I can't think why that might be though. It#s not about anything in particular, just a state of mind.

I could do with hugs (IRL) for those who see me over the next few days (depending on how long this mood lasts)

I had today off work, but was ill in bed, and slept most of the day. I managed a 1 hour trek in which I did a bit of grocery shopping and laundry, but decided to go back to sleep again.

I finally got out of bad around 9pm. Annoyed because I missed the biphoria A.G.M.

Around midnight I was feeling compus mentus enough to do something intellectual, so I worked on the website I'm doing for my dad, and managed to get it to such a state that I could put it live. Go me.

Eep. Almost 5am. Time for sleep.

I've known this for some time, but the impact has only really hit me over the past couple of days.

My housemates are going home to see their respecitve families for Christmas. I'm working Christmas day (going home boxing day) so will be in Manchester, alone, for Christmas day.

Anyone want to join me and be sociable? I might even cook dinner...

I just got hassled by a couple of scallies, in easySpod of all places.
They were standing over me, a barely a foot away from each shoulder. When I turned round, one of them said "Is it alright if we watch?". wtf?
Luckily, Monica came back and sat next to me, so I think it frightened them off.
I quickly ran down the stairs after them, but they'd disappeared. I explained that had happened to Jason, but couldn't really do anything since they'd gone.

I knew they were up to no good, but they've done nothinhg wrong, so I can't do anything.

I'm *still* shaking now; it's taking me 3 times as long to type as it normally does because I need to correct all the typos.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
WTF is it with me and the the lowlifes in this city?

I've not been for ages - either at work, or spending time with Helen, so I left Slems bar for Fallowfield.

Just before the end of the road, I was approached by 3 randoms, who asked me for a cigarette. (Sooooo unoriginal, that line). Without stopping I told them I didn't have one. I just kept on walking, and hoped they wouldn't jump me.

Ironically, it's the same road as tuesday's attack, though the other end, alledgedly the safer end.

This city is really beginning to piss me off.